I have been trying to come on here and post but have not had the words. I finally realized why, 5 years today. So, I guess I will post about that. I am still a bit distracted, but I guess I will try to type out how I feel.
A couple days ago I thought, I'd like to talk to Dad about that. This is random and not usual for me and I suspect if I figured it out, it would be one of the "significant" days of Dad's last days that subconsciously remembering. It was actually then that I realized I started several posts and hadn't finished them.
As I was thinking of my Dad today I was wondering if my ideas and thoughts about him are getting romanticized, which I guess is what happens when you don't get to talk to people, you remember the good times and forget the bad, you remember things differently. I have been considering what Dad and I would talk about today. And I have had a good giggle, when I think about how I would lament the damn bunny that is getting into my garden STILL and he would talk about the squirrel that is climbing on the pool enclosure. Then we would talk about Uncle Jack and how he would give the squirrels a ride in his town car in his humane traps.
I have determined it doesn't matter if the death of a parent is expected or not, it still is an adjustment and difficult. And just when you think you are fine a little something will sneak up on you, but fortunately those moments are few and far between for me now. Of course the problem is that you never know when things are going to sneak up on you. I suspect I will always have some kind of funk around this time, some years worse than others, but I still have my Momma left to talk to about it and although I imagine the depths of her pain are worse than mine it is nice to be able to say "How you doing?" and to have someone to share how your feeling without having to say "since Dad died".