Tuesday, June 08, 2010

The things on my mind lately

While we were at the in-laws it was the 4th anniversary of my Dad's death. I had wanted to put something on here on that day, but I just couldn't get to it. Coming up to the anniversary day I began to think about what this day means, how/if I feel differently now than I did 4 years ago, even 3, 2 and last year. And since we made the big move I have had more time to analyze my life who I've been and who I want to be. Its all about the journey after all, isn't it?

I've mentioned the death of my friend. We went to her funeral this last weekend, I had decided when I heard of her death I'd like to go to her funeral, the thing is she died the day after we got back from NM. I knew it would be tough to get there with the 2 kids and just getting them back on schedule. I thought I'd just pop up there by myself and be done with it. Eric wanted to go with me but I thought it would be too much for the kids. After many discussions, we eventually decided that we would all go and while I was at the funeral they hung out with the Godfather and his girlfriend. I've heard the kids were well behaved and they had fun.

I haven't been to many funerals in my life and I knew Claudia's would be very sad. How could it not be, she was so very young and has a young daughter? But for me it was very inspiring, her life was inspiring. The details of some of the aspects of her last 13 months made me think and reconsider my life and how I live it. Claudia was one of those people I met and thought, I want to be her friend. And I did become her friend, but I missed most of her illness because of the timing of our move. Needless to say, everyone that knew her will miss her dearly, she was a bright, cheerful light and you always knew you were going to have fun with her. I found many parallels in her way of dealing with people and with my Dad's. I am usually very quick to pick up on things, but the subtle ways that God leads me to things I don't usually get, I tend to get the same message over and over again when I ask for help/guidance and I feel that going to Claudia's funeral helped me hear some things I hadn't heard so clearly, but that I needed to hear until I got the message. I hope to continue to incorporate these things into my life and not get so beat down in the small details, the every day crap that clouds my judgement. One day maybe humility and patience will come easily for me!

So, how is year 4 different than the others? With time I find that I still have times when I think about how much I would like to see how my Dad would be/react to the kids. My days are busy with the kids and so I don't think about missing him as much anymore, unless of course one of the kids does something that reminds me of my Dad. I guess over time you learn to deal with the missing and it doesn't cause you to cry and you can continue on with your day with a little sadness. I almost feel like for me this process is easier. I have lived far away from my parents for more than half my life now (crazy, isn't it!?) I now speak to my Mom most weekdays, but only since the kids and Skype. Before it was a weekly or so phone call and see them twice a year. And the house I grew up in is no longer the house we visit. So, even though it still sucks to not be able to see him and talk to him, my daily thoughts are not as affected as they once were. I am now more comforted by the fact that he is now always with me and can see everything that happens in our lives, because I know in ways that I can't explain that he hasn't missed a thing. I just wish I was more capable of hearing what he has to say because I know he has something to say! Miss you Daddy!

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